


Tales From My Immortal

by AthenasAspis (agentandromeda)



Category: Borderlands (Video Games)
Genre: Business and Leadership, Crack, Depression, Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Sex, Smut, i guess, i mean its in about as much depth as my immortal, if its in my immortal its in this, my immortal parody, please forgive us, the best thing ive ever written
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-18
Updated: 2019-02-16
Packaged: 2019-07-13 19:11:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 31
Words: 12,598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16024181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/agentandromeda/pseuds/AthenasAspis
Summary: rhys is a worker at helios good thing hes got his Super Hot BF Jackbut then lilith shows up and threatens to kill him if he doesnt kill sasha! oh no!featuring Bandit Edgelordface and his absolutely shredded abs





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> discord and google docs were mistakes

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Hi my name is Rhys Hyp’erion Money and I have perfect wavy chestnut hair and one chocolate brown eye and one icy blue eye like hologram code and and a lot of people tell me it looks like the Eye of Helios (AN: if u don't know what that is get da hell out of here!). I'm not related to Maxim Turner but I wish I was because he's a major fucking rich guy. I'm a cyborg but my teeth are straight and white. I have pale white skin. I'm also a hacker, and I work at a science company called Hyperion in space where I'm in middle management (I'm twenty-seven). I'm a businessman (in case you couldn't tell) and I wear mostly asymmetrical stripes. I love Men’s Warehouse and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black vest with matching detailing around it and a black striped pants, a blue shirt, a red tie that was tucked into my pants and silver skag skin boots. I was wearing a lot of hair product. I was walking outside the Hub of Heroism. It was indoors so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of Maliwan douches stared at me. I put up my robot middle finger at them.  
"Hey Rhys!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Handsome Jack!  
"What's up Jack?" I asked.  
"Nothing." he said shyly.  
But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.  
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	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> owo finally rhys gets a date with the guy of his dreams!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is tiani's fault

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
The next day I woke up in my apartment. It was snowing and raining again. I got out of my silken bed and popped a pill of ENGORGE. ENGORGE! AtlasTM. My sheets have like a thread count of a billion and are pinstriped like my pants and my soul. I got out of my coffin and took of my giant Hack-a-thon t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on my usual business outfit that I wear every day, complete with some socks that said BUSINESS on them. I lovingly polished my metal hand and gelled my hair until I could rest a book on it without it moving.  
My friend, Bandit Edgelordpecs (AN: Vaughn dis is u!) woke up then and grinned at me. He flipped his beard and opened his crystal blue eyes. He put on his cool emerald green glasses with a teal scarf and a vest that was open showing off his magnificent shredded yolked swole absolutely jacked abs. We put on our corporate smirks (kinda like a smile but looking down your nose more)  
"OMFG, I saw you talking to Handsome Jack yesterday!" he said excitedly.  
"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing.  
"Do you like Jack?" he asked as we went out of the Hyperion housing block and into the Hub of Heroism.  
"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted.  
"Yeah right!" he exclaimed. Just then, Jack walked up to me.   
"Hi." he said.  
"Hi." I replied flirtily.  
"Guess what." he said.  
"What?" I asked.  
"Well, the Galactic Business Association is having a business conference on Elpis." he told me.  
"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. I love GBA. They are my favorite business entity, besides Hyperion.   
"Well…. do you want to go with me?" he asked.  
I gasped.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> time for the business conference!

On the night of the concert I put on my skag skin boots polished so shiny that I could see my face in all its corporate glory. Underneath them were striped and spotted blue socks. Then I put on my fancy tie, which is a red stripe that I tuck into my pants except it’s attached to garters on my left leg. I clipped my GBA visitor’s pass to my tie. I messed up my hair and brushed it out strait so I could gel it back into submission. I felt a little depressed then, so I pulled out one of my corneas. While I waited for it to stop bleeding I listened to an audiobook of Middle Management 101: Airlocking and You!. I painted my nails hyperion yellow even on my robot arm and put on TONS of black eyeliner. It looks like I don’t wear eyeliner but trust me I do. Then I put on my best corporate smirk. I didn’t put on foundation because I was pale anyway. I drank some expensive coffee so I was ready to go to the conference.

I went outside. Jack was waiting there in front of his horse made of diamonds. He was wearing a Taylor Swift t-shirt (i nearly swooned because it was a red tour t shirt and red is my favorite taylor swift album), a whole bunch of layers over a yellow Hyperion shirt, his invisibility pocket watch and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo hanzom boiz wer it ok!).

“Hi Jack!” I said in a depressed voice.

“Hi Rhys.” he said back. We got onto the back of his flying diamond pony (with a license plate taped to the back that said NOT COMPENSATING, gotta follow those traffic laws) and flew to the place with the business conference. On the way we listened excitedly to Taylor Swift and DJ Rakk Attack. I don’t know who that is but shes kinda a Bandit ngl. We both vaped and snorted cryo mushrooms, giving us nasal frostbite. When we got there, we both hopped off the pony. We went to the mosh pit (all the cool business conferences have mosh pits) and jumped up and down as we listened to Busy Earning.

“Too busy Earnin! You can’t get enough!.” sang Mr. Torgue (I don’t own da lyrics 2 dat song).

“Mr. Torgue is so fucking hot.” I said to Handsome Jack, pointing to him as he sung, filling the business conference with his amazing voice.

Suddenly Jack looked sad.

“What’s wrong?” I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on.

“Hey, it’s ok I don’t think he’s more handsome than YOU!” I said.

“Really?” asked Jack sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective and a bit strangle-y.

“Really.” I said. “Besides I don’t even know Mr. Torgue and he’s going out with Alistair fucking Hammerlock. I fucking hate that little bitch.” I said disgustedly, thinking of how bad his almanac was.

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Jack. After the conference, we drank some rakk ale and asked Mr. Torgue and Comrade Vladof for their autographs and photos with them so we could burn them in an ancient eridian ritual of misfortune later. We got GBA conference tees. Handsome Jack and I got back on butt stallion, but jack didn’t go back into Helios, instead he steered the pony to……………………… Pandora! 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> they doooo....the Sex!!!! owo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> do you think god stays in heaven because he lives in fear of what he's created

“HANDSOME JACK!” I shouted. “What the fuck do you think you are doing?” I was mad because pandora is a garbage land of sand and sadness. Everyone knows that. It smells like nachos and depression.

Jack didn’t answer but he reined in the diamond pony and he jumped off of it. I jumped off too, curiously.

“What the fucking hell?” I asked angrily.

“Rhys?” he asked.

“What?” I snapped.

Handsome Jack leaned in extra-close—about as close as he was to tassiter before he strangled him, which gave me a boner—and I looked into his heterochromatic eyes (he was wearing a mask over the eye that got burned away by an eridian relic) which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn’t feel mad anymore.

And then…………… suddenly just as I Jack kissed me passionately. Jack climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a bandit shack. He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took off my tie and socks. Then he put his prime rib into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.

“Oh! Oh! Oh! ” I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then….

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!”

It was….Athena!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the aftermath.....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hell is empty

Athena made and Jack and I follow her into the Catch-A-Ride. She kept shouting at us   
angrily.

“You ludacris fools!” she shouted.

I started to cry tears of money down my pallid face. Jack comforted me. When we went back to Helios, Athena took us to Loader Bot and Fiona who were both looking very angry.

“They were having sexual intercourse on Pandora!” Athena yelled in a furious voice.

“Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?” asked Fiona. “I mean, I expect that sort of thing from Handsome Horny on Main over here, but….no, yeah, I’m not surprised.”

“Why must the universe punish the good?” demanded Loader Bot.

And then Jack shrieked. “BECAUSE I LOVE HIM!”

Everyone was quiet. Athena and Fiona still looked mad but Loader Bot said. “Love. The purest of petty human concepts. Begone, Thots.”

Handsome Dan the Handsome Man and I went upstairs while the losers glared at us.

“Are you okay, kiddo?” Jack asked me gently.

“Yeah I guess.” I lied. I went to my apartment and brushed my teeth and my hair and did my 10 step skincare routine and changed into an identical business outfit except with the pinstripes on the other side of the pants. When I came out….

Jack was standing in front of the bathroom (which is bigger than Fiona and Sasha’s caravan), and he handed me a huge stack of paperwork to finish by the next day. I was so flattered, even though he wasn’t supposed to be there. We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his super amazing office with its own private Jack hole.  


	6. Omg a Bandit!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> o no a bandits here!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for all you sasha stans out there

The next day I woke up in my silken bed more expensive than any pandoran house. I put on my standard business outfit this time with 200% more gel.

In the Helios cafeteria, I ate some Handsome Jack’s cereal with bandit tears instead of milk, and a glass of pineapple juice. Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the pineapple juice spilled over my immaculately pressed teal shirt.

“Bastard!” I shouted angrily. I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the face of a bandit girl with dreadlocks and badass spike earrings. She had goggles around her neck and looked at me like she Hated Me. She looked a lot like my friend Yvette except not really. She was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw her kind of like an erection. It was an erection. I don’t know why I phrased it like that.

“I’m so sorry.” she said in a sarcastic voice.

“That’s all right. What’s your name?” I questioned.

“My name’s Sasha, although most people call me Corporation-Crusher these days.” she grumbled.

“Why?” I exclaimed.

“Because I love the taste of Hyperion blood.” she giggled.

“Well, I am a Hyperion employee.” I confessed.

“Really?” she whimpered.

“Yeah.” I roared.

We sat down to talk for a while. Her voice sounded familiar but I couldn’t place it. She wanted to crush our corporation but she was hot so I didn’t care. Then Handsome Jack came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> we got some Tension lads...has jack been two-timing his man???? Read this chapter to find out!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> omg fangs 4 all the loyal hyperion employees liking this <3 anti-capitalists dni

Jack and I held our hands as we went upstairs. My robot hand and his hand that had a cool ass tattoo on the wrist. I was wearing my evening tie, which is like my fancy tie except it doubles as a condom. I waved to Sasha. Revolutionary fervor was in her eyes. I guess she was mad that i was about to Do the Sex with the oppressor of the people. Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Jack. We went into his room and locked the door. Then…………

We started frenching passively and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically. He felt me up before I took of my top. Then I took off my red underwear which is also attached to my tie (im legally forbidden to take off my tie) and he took off his pants. We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy’s thingy in mine own Butt and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid?)

“Oh Jack, Jack!” I screamed while getting an orgasm when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Jack’s arm. It was a yellow heart with an arrow through it. On it in corporate font were the words………… Timothy Lawrence!

I was so angry.

“You bastard!” I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed.

“No! No! But you don’t understand!” Jack pleaded. But I knew too much.

“No, you fucking idiot!” I shouted. “You probably have AIDS anyway!” Everyone knows people and their body doubles give each other STDs all the time.

I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out. Jack ran out even though he was naked. He had a really big prime rib but I was too mad to care. I stomped out and did so until I was in Jack's How To Impersonate Jack seminar taught by Jack and attended by Jack.

“RHYMES WITH JIMOTHY, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!” I yelled. 


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ive actually written a Lot more than was up here so tim to put this ssexy thing up!

Everyone in the seminar stared at me and then Jack came into the room even though he was naked and started begging me to take him back. No one stared at his prime rib cuz they were all clones they all had the same prime rib. A massive prime rib. Just huge.

“Rhys, it’s not what you think!” jack screamed sadly.

The Jacks gave me an understanding look. I might have known a few of them at some point but now they’re all Jacks. There’s only one Jack for me tho.

“Angry eyes detected.” Loader Bot demanded angrily in his robot voice but I ignored him.

“Jack, I can’t believe you cheated on me with Timothy!” I shouted at him.

No one was remotely surprised. It would be hard to say anything shocking about Jack’s sex life. He tells a lot of wild stories. None of them are true. He’s a pillow princess lads.

I don’t know why Rhys was so mad at me. I had went out with Timothy (I’m sexy and so is he obviously, we have the same face and body) for a while but then he broke my heart. He dumped me because he liked Moxxi, a stupid preppy fucker who tried to kill me once. We were just coworkers now. He had gone through a lot of student debt, and now he was a body double. (Haha, like I would hang out with a bandit boob clown.)

“But I’m not going out with Jack!” said Timothy. “I never was! He just insisted that I was sexy for a while and i got really uncomfortable so i staged a breakup! You should be mad about Nisha!”

“Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!” I screamed. I ran out of the room and onto pandora where I had lost my virginity to jack and then I started to Bust A Tear Duct.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it wouldn't be pandora without some vault hunters showing up

I was so mad and sad. I couldn’t believe Jack for cheating on me with himself. Literally. I began to cry against the bandit shack where i had first tasted that sweet, sweet prime rib.

Then all of a suddenly, a woman with red hair and glowing red eyes started flying towards me with glowing orange wings! She had bright blue tattoos and was obviously a Vault Hunter, the scourge of Pandora! It was….Lilith!

“No!” I shouted in a scared voice and tried to run away but then Lilith hacked my cybernetics and i kept hitting myself.

“Rhys!” she yelled. “Thou must kill Corporate-Crusher Sasha!”

I thought about Sasha and her sexah eyes and her cool ass hair and how her face looks just like Joel Madden. I remembered that Jack had said I didn’t understand, so I thought, what if Jack went out with Timothy before I went out with him and they broke up? 

“No, Lilith!” I shouted back.

Lilith gave me an elemental grenade mod. “No! Please!” I begged.

“Thou must!” she yelled. “If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Jack!”

“How did you know?” I asked in a surprised way.

Lilith got a dude-ur-so-psycho look on her face. “I hath phasewalk.” she answered cruelly. “And if you doth not kill Sasha, then thou know what will happen to Jack!” she shouted. Then she teleported away angrily.

I was so scared and mad I didn’t know what to do. Suddenly Jack came into the woods.

“Jack!” I said. “Hi!”

“Hi, cupcake.” he said back but his face was all psycho. He was wearing a mask that was way lighter than his face per usual. 

“Are you okay?” I asked.

“No.” he answered.

“I’m sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me.” I expelled.

“That’s okay.” he said all nonchalant cuz he doesnt give a shit about anything and we went back into Helios together making out.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> h

I was really scared about Lilith all day. I was even upset when I went to rehearsals with my business practices discussion group, How To Backstab Friends and Betray People. Bandit Edgelordpecs was leading it today with a chapter from Accounting For Fun And Profit. People say that our meetings are either colossally boring or absolutely riveting because we talk about how to kill Vasquez. The other people in the discussion group are Yvette, Sasha, Fiona, Jack, Gortys (she’s really big now.) and September Cold-Topic (he’s kind of a bandit? but we tolerate him). Only today Jack was gone and Sasha was plotting the fall of the bourgeoisie. I knew Jack was probably airlocking subordinates and Sasha was probably plotting his downfall. I put on a slutty business shirt that really highlighted my titties and tiny matching mini-pants that said Mr. Ten Million Dollars on the butt. You might think I’m a slut but that’s really rude of you.

We were reviewing a chapter of the book and suddenly i started to cry.

“Rhys! Are you OK?” Bandit Edgelordpecs asked in a concerted voice.

“What the fuck do you think?” I asked angrily. And then I said. “Well, Lilith came and the fucking bandit told me to fucking kill Sasha! But I don’t want to kill her, because, she’s really nice, even if she is trying to assassinate Jack. But if I don’t kill Sasha, then Lilith will fucking kill Jack!” I burst into tears. Suddenly Jack jumped out from behind a wall.

“Why didn’t you fucking tell me!” he shouted. “How could you- you- you fucking poser bandit bitch!” (c is dat out of character?)

I started to cry and cry. Jack started laughing cuz i was crying and then he ran out.

We talked for one more hour. Then suddenly Athena walked in angrily! Her eyes were all glowing red and her voice was deep and I knew this time it wasn’t cause her sister died.

“What have you done!” She started to yell wisely. “Rhys Jack is gone. He went to try to awaken the warrrior and destroy Pandora!”


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which There Is Tension

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> asdjfkh dis wun based on tru events!!! i totally seved hyperion from destrection! veryones in luv w/me its a curse.......

“OH YEAH BABEY!” I screamed. I was so excited! Bandit Edgelordpecs tried to tell me it wasnt good to open the warrior to burn pandora to the ground and now the vault hunters were after him but I told him fuck off and I ran to my room to prepare for Phase 3. Athena chased after me shouting but she had to stop when I went into my room cause I activated the maximum security.

Anyway, I started crying money tears of joy. They got all over my clothes so I took them off and jumped into the bath joyously complete with a ton of bubbles while I put on “Long Live” by Taylor Swift at full volume. I grabbed a steak and dug in to celebrate my glorious prime rib. I was so fucking happy! Soon Pandora would be ours. I was pretty sad cuz i had just yelled at jack about Timothy but now i could see that he was conquering a planet for me and maybe he hadnt cheated on me. I got out of the bathtub and put on a pinstriped business suit with my celabratory tie, its like my evening tie but it has an eldritch abomination on the end. Then I looked out the window and screamed… Mr. Torgue was outside the window taking pictures of all my super secret prototypes! And Commandant Steele was sending them all to Atlas!

“YOU FUCKING BANDITS! STOP TRYING TO STEAL OUR DESIGNS! YOU’RE NOT SMART ENOUGH TO REPLICATE THEM ANYWAY” I screamed putting on a black towel with a picture of Maxim Turner on it. Suddenly Sasha ran in.

“Escape with the plans!” she yelled at mr torgue and steele. I gasped cuz i felt betrayed but that wasnt that surprising. I took my grenade mod and threw it at torgue and steele and it burst into a nova of flame and the camera melted. Suddenly, Athena ran in. “Rhys, it has been revealed that someone has - NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” she shouted looking at Steele cuz steele was atlas. She readied her shield to throw at steele. Athena really hates atlas. Then suddenly……………………..

Nakayama walked in on his cybernetic arms and said everyone we need to talk.

“What do you know, nakayama?” athena scoffed. “You’re just a little Hyperion employee!”

“I MAY BE A HYPERION EMPLOYEE….” Nakayama paused angrily. “BUT I AM ALSO A SATANIST!”

“This cannot be.” Steele said in a crisp voice as blood dripped from her burn where i had thrown the grenade. “There must be other factors. Athena, you need to report back to Atlas to review these new plans.”

“YOU DON’T HAVE ANY!” I yelled in madly.

Torgue held up the camera triumelephantly. “The lens may be ruined but the tape is still there!”

I felt faint, more than I normally do like how it feels when you do not have enough money.

“Why are you doing this?” Steele said angrily while her siren tattoos started glowing.

And then I heard the words that I had heard before but not from him. I did not know whether to feel shocked and happy or to airlock him and steal his money because i felt faint.

“BECAUSE…BECAUSE….” Nakayama said and he paused in the air dramitaclly, waving his id drive in the air. Then swooped he in singing to the tune of a business version of a song by Taylor Swift.

“Because you’re Hyperion?” Loader Bot asked in a little afraid voice cause he was afraind it meant he would try to erase all his new sentient programming.

“Because I LOVE RHYS AND HANDSOME JACK! TWO VERY HOT PEOPLE! ITS TORTURE!”


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lilith has him bondage

I was about to shock them with the stun baton that yvette had given me in case i pissed off the wrong person. Which was very likely cuz people seem to react violently to me even tho im very charismatic. she had told me to use it valiantly against an enemy and i wanted to be a hero like handsome jack.

“OH YES!” i thought it was Nakayama but it was sasha. “THE VAULT HUNTERS HAVE HANDSOME JACK CAPTIVE!”

I stopped, very worried for my beautiful bf but also knowing that he was so sexy and badass he could easily get out of any trouble. “How did u know?”

“I saw it! On the ECHO! Finally hes gonna be dead you losers”

“NO!” I ran up closer. “I thought you bandits didn’t have ECHO access anymore” I shouted.

“I didn’t but Fiona hacked the echo for me,” she said back. “I saw some news of what was happening to Jack…………….Liliht has him bondage!”

Anyway I was in the school nurse’s office now recovering from my extensive head injuries. Torgue and Steele and Nakayama were there too. They were going to the Hyperion Corporate Reeducation located in the Wildlife Exploitation Preserve after they recovered cause they were corporate spies and you can’t have those fucking bandit bitches on a station with a bunch of Hyperion secrets. Athena had constipated the cideo camera they took of the prototypes not cuz she likes hyperion but cuz she didnt want atlas to have anything. I put up my middle finger at them.

Anyway Nakayama came into my hospital bed holding a bouquet of pink roses.

“Rhys I need to tell u somethnig.” he said in a v. serious voice, giving me the roses.

“Fuck off.” I told him. “You know I fucking hate the color pink anyway, cuz its not Hyperion Yellow ™, and I don’t like fucked up creepy scientiests like you.” I snapped. Nakayama had been mean to me before for being too pretty and he was jealous. 

“No Rhys.” Nakayama says. “Those are not roses.”

“What, are they middle managers too you psycho scientist?” I asked cause I was angry that he had brought me pink roses cuz not only were they not yellow they pose a fire hazard.

“I saved your life!” He yelled angrily. “No you didn’t I replied.”You saved some hyperion prototype designs from getting stolen, which is literally your job. Like it would be an airlockable offense if you didnt do that. I should throw you into space.”

He pointed his universal remote at the pink roses. “These aren’t roses.” He suddenly looked at them with an evil crazy look (this is the guy that created a mini destroyer that one time) in his eye and muttered iT’s a love sTORY BABY JUST SAY YES! .

“That’s not a computer command thats a taylor swift song.” I corrected him wisely.

“I know, I was just warming up my vocal cordes.” Then he screamed. “ENHANCE!” (thats a tribute specifically for vaughn i love you bro! Pandorans dont understand computers amirite!)

And then the roses turned into a huge projection of Helios station. Now I knew he was a crazy scientist but at least a smart one loyal to hyperion. And he could code.

“OK I believe you now wtf is my beautiful bf Jack?”

Nakayama rolled his eyes. I looked into the map of helios but I could c nothing.

“U c, Rhys,” Athena said, watching the two of us watching the map. “2 c wht iz n da map u mst find urslf 1st, k? And that istn gunna happen cuz u dumb as shit bro.”

“I HAVE FOUND MYSELF OK YOU MEAN OLD LESBIAN!” Nakayama yelled. Athena lookd shockd. I guess janey had been lecturing her on anger managements or els she would have decapitated nakayama with her cool ass sword (not as cool as zero’s sword but you know wut all swords are COol)

Nakayama stormed off back into his bed. “U r a liar,Athena!”

Anyway when I got better I went upstairs and put on my pinstriped teal shirt with white cuffs and collar. On the front was my depressed oh no my bf is captured tie. It’s like my business tie but it has a detailed embroidery of handsome jack’s beautiful abs on it. Theyre the second best abs on helios. First best is Bandit Edgelordpecs ofc (vaughn bro no homo but your abs give me Thoughts. No homo but id smash. No homo. But you’re literally the most beautiful man ive ever met.) Then I put on pinstriped fishnets under my pinstriped pants and skag skin boots with which to step on the necks of the Plebians. I gelled my hair to look like Blake (if u don’t know who he iz ur a bandit so fuk off!) and I put on my best murder socks.

“You look so good, bro.” Bandit Edgelordface said sadly. “Thanks you do too.” I said sadly too, but I was still upset cuz my bf got kidnapped by vault hunters and everyone knows how evil vault hunters are. I sexily cried again in my bathroom and put the shades on so Steele and Torque couldn’t spy on our well guarded company secrets this time. I dont want them to find out our new technique for making our pistols even more impossible to aim without emptying half a clip and making our snipers completely unusable. I went to some seminars on business leadership. Sasha was in the Backstabbing 101. She looked all happy because jack had disappeared and she hated jack.She was currently burying a knife in the back of one of our senior account managers and the instructor couldnt say antyhing cuz technically that was the purpose of the class.

“Hi.” she said in a happy way….in the Mood. “Hi back.” I said in an wqually flirtatious way.

We both looked at each other for some time. Sasha had beautiful green eyes so much like one of Handsome Jack’s. Then……… we jumped on each other and started screwing each other.

“STOP IT NOW YOU HORNY SIMPLETONS!” shouted Fiona who saw us and so did everyone else. “JESUS CRIST I DO NOT NEED TO SEE MY SISTER AND MY BEST FR—THIS HYPERION DICKBACK DOING THAT IM SCARRED FOR LIFE.”

“Sasha you fucker!” I said slapping her. “Stop trying to screw me. You know I loved Handsome Jack!” I shouted. In retaliation for the slap she fuckin decked me and i went unconscious.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXX

SPECIAL KUDOS 2 VAUGHN MY HYPERION MONEY BRO THANKS FOR HELPING ME EDIT

HEY FIONA DO U KNOW WHERE OUR TEN MILLION DOLLARS A 


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> vaughn op, please nerf

A/N: vaughn thanks for helping me again im sorry i tok ur postr of zer0 but that Comrade is such a fckin sexbom!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX420XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Bandit and I ran up the stairs looking for Athena. We were so scared for Jack

“Athena Athena!” we both yelled. Athena came there.

“What is it that you want now you despicable corporate bastards?” she asked angrily.

“The vault hunters have Jack!” we shouted at the same time.

She laughed in a distorted voice.

“No! Don’t! We need to save Jack!” we begged.

“No.” she said meanly. “I don’t give a darn what Lilith does to Jack. Not after how much he fucked up pandora with all the eridium mining and the moonshots. Hes a monster,” she said while she frowned looking at me. “Besides I never liked him that much anyway even when i was working with him to save elpis.” then she walked away. Bandit started loading his gun. (AN: don’t u fik gay guyz r lik so hot! Yea bandits gay did i stutetr. Its so hot when he talks guns. Love a man who can shoot. Id date vaughn i mean bandit ngl.)

“We’re going in cool!” I tried to tell him but that didn’t stop him. He started to load it with elemental rounds. Then he had a brainstorm. “I had an idea!” he exclaimed.

“What?” I asked him.

“You’ll see.” he said. He took out his glasses and typed in a command. Then…… suddenly we were in the vault of the warrior!

We ran in with our weapons out just as we heard a electronic voice say. “its hyperion/ I hate those fucking douchebags/they are here for jack,” It was……………………………….. Zer0!


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the most unrealistic part of this fic is lilith wearing high heels

WARNING: SUM OF DIS CHAPTA IS XTREMLY SCRAY. VIOWER EXCRETION ADVISD.

We ran to where Lilith and Zer0 waere. It turned out that Lilith wasn’t there. Instead Zer0 was. hes super hot. Jack was there eating his own blood and absolutely lovin it. The weird short gun guy was torturing him. Bandit and I ran in front of Zer0.

“You get the fuck out!” he shouted as we started shooting him with the gun. He shot us back but bandits glorious and inestimable abs deflected the bullets. Then suddenly Zer0 looked at me and he fell down with a lovey-dovey emoji on his mask. “RhysIloveyouwiluhavesexwithme.” he said. (all the vault hunters wanna fuc me)

“Huh?” I asked. ”Rhys I love you will you have sex with me?” asked Zer0. I started laughing. “Listen your friend is torturing my bf so thats kinda a downer but after all this is done hmu” I said. “But sorry i gotta save jack like the hero i am.” Then I hit him with my stun baton and he flew across the room.

“ow!” he said in a monotone voice.

“Zer0 what art thou doing?” called Lilith. Then…… she started coming! We could hear her high heels clacking to us. So we got on Butt Stallion and went back to Helios. We went to my room. Bandit went away. There I started crying.

“What’s wrong honey?” asked Jack taking off his clothes so we could screw. He had a sex-pack (geddit cuz hes so sexah) (his sex pack not as sexy as bandits tho i need to establish that for the sake of the story) and a really huge prime rib and everything.

“Its so unfair!” I yielded. “Why can’t I just be ugly or plain like all da other employees here except for Bandit, because he’s not ugly or anything. Lots of ppl call him a short nerd but ive seen his abs and i bet the dude is fuckin hung. Like seriously hes so hot.”

“Why would you wanna be ugly? I don’t like the other employees anyway. They are such fucking sluts.” answered Jack. “unlike me i just have sex with everything cuz im a God amoung Men.”

“Yeah but everyone is in love with me! Like Nakayama says he’s in love with me. Sasha likes me and now even Zer0l is in love with me! I just wanna be with you ok Jack! Why couldn’t the eridians have made me less beautiful?” I shouted angrily. (an” don’t wory rhys isn’t a snob or anyfing but a lot of ppl hav told him hes pretty) “Im good at too many things! WHY CAN’T I JUST BE NORMAL? IT’S A FUCKING CURSE!” I shouted and then I ran away.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i dont have anything funny to say about this one

“Rhys!” shouted Jack trying to sound sad but he couldnt cuz he has no empathy. “No, please, come back!”

But I was too mad.

“Whatever! Now u can go anh have sex with Timothy!” I shouted. I stormed into my room and closed my yellow door with my purple vault key. It had a picture of Maxim Turner on it. He looked so sexy in a way that reminded me of Jack and Sasha. I started to cry and weep. I drank the tears of pandorans all depressed. Then I looked at my classy Atlasio watch (a gift from Bandit love u bb) and noticed it was time to go to my Worship The Company class.

I put on my worshipping business outfit which is like my normal outfit but with handsome jack socks and underwear plus the tie doubles as a bullwhip for punishing the unrepentant. Anyway I went downstairs feeling all sad and depressed as usual. I did sum advanced company worshipping. I was coding a new prayer to jack into the intercom systems. Suddenly jack came in through the cieling!

“Rhys pumpkin I love you!” he shouted sadly. “I dnot care what those fucker bandits and vault hunters fink. Ur da most sexiest man in the world except for me. Before I met you I just wanted to burn shit and i didnt love anyone. I was so alone. Now i still wanna just burn shit but I fucking love you!.” Then……………. he started to give a speech on proper filing of income reports” (we fell in love when mr torgue was giving that speech) right in front of the entire class! His voice was sooooo sexy, kinda like Dameon Clarke.

“OMFG.” I said after he was finished. Some fucking bandits stared at us but I just stuck up my middle fingers (that were covered in yellow nail polish and were entwined with Jack’s now) at them. “I love you!” I said and then we started to kiss just like Hilary Duff (i fukin h8 dat bitch) and CMM in a Cinderella Story. Then we went away holding hands. Fiona shouted at us but she stopped cuz everyone was clapping by how sexy we looked 2gether. Then I saw a poster saying that Taylor Swift would have a concert in Concordia right then. We looked at each other all shocked and then we went 2gether. 


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> my extensive knowledge of taylor swift songs finally pays off

A/N: fiona u fuken bitch give me back my ten million dollars! What the fuck you fucking bandit!

We ran happily to Concordia. Taylor Swift was there playing ‘Love Story’. I was so fucking happy! Taylor looked even sexier than she did in da pictures. Even Jack thought so, I could totally see him getting an erection but it didn’t matter cuz I knew know that we were da only true ones for eachother. I was my rave outfit which is my business outfit but the arm is cool ass blue and black and the tie doubles as a glowstick when you crack it. Jack was wearing a I HEART TS crop top and booty shorts that said “TAYLOR SWIFT” on the butt. Anyway, we stated moshing to All Too Well. We frenched. We ran up 2 the front of the crowd to stage-dive. Suddenly, Taylor pulled off her mask. So did the backup dancers. We gasped. It wasn’t them at all. It was.,………………………..Lilith and the Vault Hunters!

“Wtf Jack im not going to a concert wid u!” I shouted angrily. “Not after what happened to me last time? Even if its taylor swift n u no how much I lik her”

“What cause we had some Bomb Ass Sex up against a shack? You tasted my prime rib? All of it? The best dick on and off pandora?”

“Yeah cause we you know!” I yielded in an angry voice.

“We won’t do that again.” Jack promised. “At least, not in the next 20 mintues. Probably. Maybe. This time, we’re going with an ESCORT.”

“OMFG wtf/ Are you giving into the mainstream?” I asked. “So I guess ur a bandit or a Maliwan or what now?”

“NO.” he muttered loudly.

“R u becoming a Bandit or what?” I shootd angrily.

“Rhysie! I’m not! Pls come with me!” He fell down to his knees and started singing ‘Stay Stay Stay’ by taylor swift to me.

I was flattened cause that’s not even a single, he had memorized da lyrks just 4 me!

“OK then I guess I will have to.” I said and then we frenched 4 a while and I went up 2 my room.

Yvette was standing there. “Hajimemashite boyl.” she said happily (she spex Japanese so do i. dat menz ‘how do u do’ in japanese). “BTW Fiona that fucking con got kicked off helios. she stole a gortys beacon.” (an: FIONA U FUKIN SUK! FUK U! GIV BAK MY MONY!)

“It serves that fuking bich right.” I laughed angrily.

Well anyway we where felling all blodthirsty. We wutsched some corporate movies like the Skag of Wall Street. “Maybe Faiona will die too.” I said.

“Kawai.” Yvette shook her head enrgtically lethrigcly. “Oh yeah o have a confession after she got kicked out I put her in the helios jail.”

“Kawai.” I commnted happily . We talked to each other in silence for da rest uv da movie.

“OH HEY BTw, im going to a concert with Jack tonight in concordia with taylor swift.” I sed. “ I need to wear like da hotset outfit EVA.”

Yvette Nodded ENREGeticALLlY. “Omfg totally lets go shopping.”

“In Space Men’s Warehouse, right?” I asked, already getting out my spshcial Corporate Slime Loiyalty carde.

“No.” My head snaped up.

‘WHAT?” my head spuin. I could not believe it. “Yvette do you work for JAKOBS?”

“NOOOO!NOOOO!” She laughed. “I found some cool stores near Helios that only sell clothes with pinstripes and/or hexagons that’s all.”

“Hu told u abut them” I askd sure it would be Jack or Bandit or Sasha(don’t even SAY that nam to me!). Or me.

“Athena.” She sed. “Let me just call our corporate digistruct cars.”

“OMFFG ATHENA?” I asked quietly.

“Yah I saw the map for Helios on hier desk.” She told me. “Come on let’s go.”

We were going in a few corporate stores SPECIALLY for the concerts in Concordia. The salesperson was OMG HOTTER THAN TURNER EXCEPT NOT CAUSE THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE and he gave me a few pinstriped business shirts. “We only have these for da real middle managers.”

“Da real middle managers?” Me and Yvette asked.

“Yah u wouldn’t believe how many bandits wearing disguises to con some tour guides and steal the gortys beacon ther are on this station man! Yesterday fiona and sasha came in looking for a hyperion lanyard.” He shook his head. “I dint even no they had an id card.”

“OMFG NO THEIR GONNA STEAL FROM ME AGAIN!” I cried, running out of the changing room wearing a business outfit looking like my normal outfit but instead of a tie there was just a slit showing off a sliver of my chest.

“Oh my jack you have to buy that outfit” The salesperson said.

“Yeah it looks totlly hot.” said Yvette. “Like a hot mess more like.”

“You know what I am gona give it to you free cause u look really hot in that utfit. Hey are you gonna be at the concert tonight?” he asked.

“Yeah I am actually.” I looked back at him. “Hey BTW my names Rhys Hyp’erion Money what’s yours?”

“Vasquez.” He said and ran a hand through his hair-plugged hair. “maybe I’ll see you there tonight.”

“Yeah I don’t think so cause I am going there with my bf jack you dumb bitch!” I yelled angrily, but before he could beg me to go with him, Nakayama flew in on butt stallion looking worried. “OMFG RHYS U NEED OT GET BACK INTO THE HUB OF HEROISM NOW!”


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> warning: space drugs

you try and fix the vault key we can con assquez together

Vasquez gave us some clothes n stuff 4 free. He said he wud help us wif makeup if he wunted koz he was relly in2 fashin n stuff. (hes bisezual). Nakayama kept shooting at us to cum back 2 Jack’s Office. “WTF Nakayama?” I shouted angrily. “Fuck off you fjucking bastard.” Well anyway Fiona came. Nakayama went away angrily.

“Hey bitch you look like a no good corporate dirtbag.” she said.

“Scheming pandoran scum.” I answered. She was wearing a pandoran jacket with her hat that she didnt wanna lose cause shes kinda a coward plus boots and a gun in her sleeve.

“So r u going 2 da concert wif Jack?” she asked.

“Yah.” I said happily.

“I’m gong with Yvette.” she anserred happily. Well anyway Jack came. He was looking extremely hot and i could tell he thot i looked hot 2. Jack was wearing about 15 vests an dad sneakers. Bandit was going 2 da concert wif Timothy. Timothy used to have freckles but he became a body double to pay off student loans. The official records say he dyed in a car crash. He was wearing a flannel and a hat with a cat on it. Well anyway we al went 2Jack’s diamond pony Butt Stallion that he bought with his money cuz hes rich af. We did cryo mushrooms. Jack and I made out. We made fun of dose stupid fuking bandits. We soon got there…….I gapsed.

We moshed 2 You Belong With Me and sum odder songz. Sudenly Taylor Swift polled of her mask. So did the members of Boy Garden (A/N: this song’s for thirty2flavors) that were on stage with her. I gasped. It wasn’t Taylor at all! It was an ugly bandit vault hunter bitch with red hair and glowing orange eyes and glowing blue tattooos... Every1 ran away but me and jack. jack and I came. It was……Lilith and da vault chasers!

“U moronic idiots!” she shooted angstily. “Rhys, I told u to kill Sasha. Thou have failed. And now……….I shall kill thou and Jack!”

“No no please!” We begged sadly but she took out her gun. Jack took out his gun and mad e himself invisible

Sudenly a lady threw her yellow shield. She had shrot black hair. She wus werring yellow armor with the Hyperion logo on it. She drew a sword and Lilith ran away. It was…………………………………ATHENA! 


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> chapter highlights: sasha punches jack so hard he almost dies, if you're into that sort of thing

AN: I SED STUP FLAMMING! if u do den ur a fuken bandit! fangz 2 fiona 4 da help n stuf. u rok! n ur nut a bandit. fangz for opening a vault with me! 

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I woke up the next day in my fabulous bed that i have a lot of sex on with my handsome boyfriend. I got out of it and put on my business outfit except with a laser pointer in my metal middle finger so i can flip people off and blind them at the same time.

(Da night before Jack and I rent back to the space station. Athena chased Lilith away. We rode back on butt stallion. We went back to my apartment and did you know what to a First Aid Kit song)

Well anyway I went down to the cafeteria. There all da walls were painted yellow and da tables were yellow too. But you fould see that there was black and red paint underneath the yellow pant. And there were pastors of poser corporations, like Jakobs and Torgue.

“WTF!” I shouted going to sit next to Yvette and Bandit. Yvette was wearing her orange skirt and pencil skirt with pockets for hidden knives. Bandit was wearing his sexiest accountant glasses and dabbed when he saw me. Sasha Fiona and Jack came. We started to talk about who was sexier out of the three Hyperion founders. 

“Those corporate overlords are so fucking hot.” Assquez was saying as suddenly a middle aged lesbian with black hair came. She was the same one who had chassed away Lilth yesterday. She had an Atlas shield but was wearing yellow armor with a white Hyperion logo.

“……………….ATHENA?1!” we all gasped.

“WTF?” I shouted angrily. “I thought she was just wearing that to scare Lilith and the vault chump binches!”

“Hello everyone.” she said like she was gonna kill someone which meant she was moderately pleased. “As u can see I gave the room a makeover. Whjat do u fink about it?”

Everyone from the poser table in research and development started to cheer. Well we middle managers just looked at each other all disfusted and shook our heads. We couldn’t believe what a poser she was!1.

“BTW you can call me Shmaptian Shmamerica.” SHE CALLED AS WE LEFT to our workday.

“What a fucking bandit!” Jack shouted angrily as we we to file paperwork. We were holding hands. Sasha looked really angri cu z more hyprion shit. I could see her drawing communist propoganda onto a desk but I didn’t say anything. “I bet she’s havin a mid-life crisis!” yvette shouted. “Leave her alone,” Fiona told us.

“Shut the fuck up you useless lesbian,” jack told her and then i had to take him to the med bay because sasha punched him so hard he almost died.

I was so fucking angry. 


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> boy garden, aka space one direction, is a creation of the inimitable thirty2flavors. check out her fics if you'd like to read some really good rhysha oneshots.

AN: plz stup flaming da story if u do ur a foken bandot n ur jelous ok!11 frum noq un im gong 2 delt ur men reviowz!111 BTW evonyd a hyperion so der!1 fangz 2 vaughn 4m da help!11

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All day we sat angerly finking about eatheana. We were so fucking pissed off. Well, I had one thing to look forward too- a Boy Garden concert that was scheduled for the next day.

Anyway, I went to the cafeteria sadly to skip out on my middle management work. Jack was being all secretive.

I asked what it was and he got all mad me and started crying all hot and angsty (rnt sensitve psycho guys so hot xd. Psycho guys are hot. Guys who wear psycho masks are hot).

“No one fucking understands me!1” he shouted angrily as his gelled hair went in his big heterochromatic eyes. He was wearing those pants that can zip into shorts, a yellow hyperion t-shirt and a brown vest and a white collared shirt and a brown coat and a black coat.. He looked really hot. As in sweaty. Why so many layers jack. Why. I was wearing a businesslike low cut top with hexagons all over it all over it pinstriped pants, skag leather boots and a hyperion symbol belly fing. My hair was al pushed back in gel like a gangster from the 40s.

“Accuse me? What about me!” I growled.

“Buy-but-but-” he grunted.

“You fucking bastard!” I moaned.

“No! Wait! It’s not what it fucking looks like!” he shouted.

But it was to late. I knew what I herd. I ran to the bathroom angrily, cring. Jack banged on the door. I whipped and whepped as my expensive diamond tears streammed down my cheeks and made cool sparkly tracks down my feces like butt stallion had blessed my eyes. I TOOOK OUT A CIGARETE END STARTED TO smoke that dank dank pandoran kush.

Suddenly Nakayama came. He had fast traveled.

“You gave me a fucking shock!” I shouted angrily dropping my pot. “Wtf do you fink you’re doing in my executive suite?”

Only it wasn’t just Nakasweetpotato. Someone else was with him too! For a second I wanted it 2 b Vaskez or maybe Jack but it was Athenea.

“Hey I need to ask you a question.” she said, pulling out her yellow wanabe-hyperin purse. “What are u wearing to the concert?”

“U no who Boy Garden r!” I gasped.

“No I just saw there was a concert dat a lot of middle management were going 2.” she said. “Anyway Jack has a surprise for u.” 


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> f

AN: I sed I dnoty ker wut u fink! stof pflamin ok bandits!1 fangz 2 vaughn 4 da help!1 oh yah btw ill be un vacation in eden 5 4 da nex 3 dayz so dnot expect updatz.

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All day I wondered what the surprise was. Meanwhile, I pot on a crop top vest, a blak belt with a hyperion belt buckle, an my fan tie, which is like my business tie except its got a picture of the left ear of boy grden’s lead singer. Boy Garden were gong 2 do the concert again, since the valt hunterst had taken over the last one. I ate caviar while I danced and sang into my hairbrush to By Gardeeen in my bedroom all night, feeling excited. Suddenly someone knocked on the door while I was trying on sum pinstriped clothes and dancing to Garden of Boys. I gut all mad and turned it of, but sacredly I hopped inside dat it was Jack so we could do it again.

“Wut de fucking hell r u doing!” I shouted angrily. It was Torque! “R u gonna cum steal my plans or what.” I yelled. I really didn’t want im steling our new patent to make our shotgons never hit anything

“No, actshelly (geddit, hell) kan I plz burrow sum echo batteries.” he growld angrily.

“Yah, so u can call your horrbile company?” I shouted sarkastikally.

“Fuker.” He said, gong away.

Well anyway, I put on some sunscreen cuz im pale. Then I went. Den I gasped…………………………………………………………….Torqu and Stele were in the Hall of Inovation takin pictures of all r new designs, and Claptrap was watching!1

“Oh my god you ludacris idiot!” they both shooted angrily when they saw me. Claptrap ran away crying. Dey got up, though. Normally I wood have ben turned on (I luv cing ppl do corporate espionage) but both of them were from other Bad corporations. 

“WTF is that why u wanted batteries?” I asked sadistically. (c I speld dat)

“Only you wouldn’t give them to me!” Torgu shouted angrily.

“Well you shoulda told me.” I replayed, “so i could hav reported u and gotten u kicked out.

“You dimwit!.” Stele began 2 shoot angrily. And then………I took out my black camera and took a pic of them. U could see that they were spying on us and evrything.

“Well xcuse me!” they both shouted angrily. “What was dat al about?”

“It wuz to blackmail u.” I snarked. “So now next time you see me pirating Jakobs designs you cant fuking rat me out or I’ll show dis to Jack. So fuck off, u bastards!” I started to run. They chased me but I threw my grenade at them and dey caught on fire. Well anyway, I went outside and there was Sasha, looking extremely fucking hot.

“WTF where’d Jack?” I asked her.

“Oh he’s bein a fucking bastard. He told me he wouldn’t cum.” Sasha said shaking her hed. “I mean, next to all hs norml basterd activities. U wanna cum with me? 2 the concert?”

Then….. she showed me her caravan. I gasped. It was a cool caravan. She said her adoptive fatehr who betrayed her felix had given it 2 her. The license plate on the front sed CON420 on it. The one on da back said ‘FUJACK’ on it.

……….I gasped.

We flew to the concert hall. Boy Garden were there, playing.

Sasha and I began 2 make out, moshing to the muzik. I gapsed, looking at da band.

I almost had an orgasim. Billy was so fucking hot! He begin 2 sing ‘Eden Blues’ and his sexah beautiful voice began 2 fill the hall. ……….And den, I heard some evil laughing. I turned and saw Jack, killing someone in a corner. 


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> beep beep beep new character(s) alert

AN: fuk u ok! u fokng suk. itz nut ma fult if itz speld rong ok koz dat bich fiona cuz it fok u prepz!1 woopz soz fiona fangz 4 da help. btw eden rox hrad!1 I even gut 2 go 2 da univarsity wer maxim turner went!

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Later we all went in the station. Jack was looknig angery in da break room. “Jack are u okay?” I asked in a businesslike voice.

“No I’m not u fuking bitch!” he shouted angrily. “The vault hunters r ruing everything!” He stated to run out of the place in a murdurous way. I stated to cheer cuz he was gonna go kill some bandits

“Aw beans,” sasha sighed, “looks like hes gonna go do bad things. I better stop him.”

“U mean you’ll go fuck him wont you!” I shouted angrily. She punched me in the face. Then I ran 2 get Jack. Sasha came too.

“Jack please come back!” he began to yell. She was angry. I was so turned on because i love women who could kill me in one hit.

And then………………………….. we herd sum footsteps! Jimothy who was there also got out his invincibility watch. We both connected to it. We saw the janitor R0513 there, shouting angrily with a flashlight in her robot hads.

“WHOSE THERE!” she shouted angrily. We saw Claptrap come. He activated his invisibility abilites and started to beatbox loudly.

“IS ANY1 THERE!” yelled R0513.

“No fuck u you horrible hyperion sun of a fukcing bich!” Sasha said under her breast in a disgusted way.

“EXCUS ME! EXCUS ME WHO SED DAT!” yelled R0513. Den he heard Claptr4p beatbox. “Clap is der any1 unda da cloak!” she asked. Claptrap said “yes” like the annying little yes man he is. And then……………………….Sasha frenched me! she did it jus as…………………….. R0513 was taking of da cloak!1

“WHAT DA-” she yelled but it was 2 late cuz now we were ruining away frum him. And den we saw Jack killing a dude outside of the school.

“Jack!” I cried. “R u okay?” He kills people when hes upset and also when hes feeling any other mood ever.

“I guess though.”Jack laughed. We went back to our beds frenching each other. Jack and I decided to watch Business TED Talk Compilateion (c isnt da so business) on the businessy yellow bed together. As I wuz about 2 put in the video, my eyes rolled up and suddenly I had a vision of something that was happening now cuz my ECHO eye gives me a news feed. There was a knok on the door and Tassiter and da Bored of Directors walked into the space stationl!1 


	22. Chapter 22

AN: stfu! banditz stup flaming ok if u dnot lik it fuk of itz vaughn’s folt ok!11 u suk!1 no jus kidding baughn u fokieng rok banditz suk!1

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All day everyone talked about the Boared of Directors. Well anyway, I woke up the next day. I was in my bed so I opened the door. I was wearing lacey business pajamas. Then I gasped.

Standing in front of me where……………….Yvette Bandit September Sasha Fiona and Jack! I opened my bicolored eyes. Fiona was wearing a tight red leather top with pictures of bloody cacti all over it. Under that she wart a pair of cool leggins and a stylish coat. Sasha was wearing a crop top with Marx’s face on it and baggy black pants and Space Vans. Jack was wearing the same outfit he wore all the time always. Seriously how does he tolarate that many layers. Sasha looked like zendaya. Yvettwe was wearing a businesslike pencil skirt with a orange business shirt and business socks and business shoes and her favorite business glasses. 

“Rhysie pumpkin something is really fucked up.” Jack said.

“OK but I need to put my fucking clothes on first.” I shouted angrily.

“It’s all right. We have to go now and you look kawaii anyway. Your so fucking beautiful, cupcake.” Jack said in a sexy voice.

“Oh all right.” I said smiling. “But you have to tell me why your being all erective.”

“I will I will.” he said.

So I just put on some sunscreen and my Head Protectant 30000 cuz i always bonk me head. Then I came. We all went outside the Hall of Herosm and looked in from a widow. A fucking bandit called Ruddiger was standing next to us. we put up our middle fingers at him and hs dumb meat cleaver. Inside the Hub we could see Jack because he was there now. Tassit was there shouting at Jack.

“THIS CANNOT BE!” he shouted angrily. “YOU MUST LEAVE HELIOS! THE BANDITS IS PLANNING TO KILL OUR CORPORATION! YOU ARE NOT FIT TO RUN HELIOS JOHN! YOU ARE TOO CRAZY AND YOUR INCOPETENCE IS DANGEROUS! YOU MUST RETRY OR LILITH WILL RUIN OUR STOCK PRICES!”

“Very well.” jack said angrily. “Butt we cannot do this. You can’t kick me out cuz the board is on my side. There is only one person who is capable of killing lilith and he is in the school. And his name is…………………………………………………………………..Rhys Hyp’erion Money.”

Everyoe looked at each other………I gasped.


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> listen. i Know gladstone is a niche character but consider this. He My Son.

AN: dhut da fok up biches!1 ur jus jelos koz I gut 10000 reviowz!1 fangz 2 van 4 da help n telin me bout da corporations hiring options boy u rok letz go shopin 4 colored markers 2getha! Or maybe something else cuz u can’t commit to colored markrs

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The door opened and tasiter walked to where we were

“MR. MONEY WHAT THE BEEP ARE YOU DOING!” Taciter shouted angrily. Jack blared at him.

“Oops he made a mistake!” he corrupted him. “he means hi everybody cum in!”

Well we all came in angrily. So did all the other mploees. I sat between Vaughn and Sasha and opposite Yvete. I eight some Handsome Jack-Os and drank som bandit tears from a cup. Then I herd someone shooting angrily. I looked behind me it was………sasha! Her and Jack were shooting at eachother.

“Jack Sasha WTF?” I asked.

“You fucking bustard!” yelled Jack at Sasha. “I want to shit next to him!1”

“Dont be a little baby!” shouted Sashs. “I don’t even want to sit next to this loser! But i’ll be damned if I give you anything you want!”

“You son of a bandit!” yelled Jack.

“No fuck you motherfucker you’re destroying pandora!” shouted Sasha. And then……………… she jumped on Jack! (no not in dat way u perv) They started to fight and beat up each other.Or more accurately Sasha started ot beat up Jack

Athena cheered sasha on. All of a sudden…… a terrible woman with orange eyes and blue tattoos phasewalked in. All the glass in the window she walked thru fell apart. Good thing it didn’t open onto the void of space. Ruddiger that fucking bandit started to cheer. Sasha stopped beating the everlobing shit out of jack….I shopped eating….Everyone gasped. Da room fell silent………………….Lilith!

“Rhys…..Reese…….” Lilith sed evilly in her raspy voice. “Thou havfe failed ur mission. Now I shall kill thou and I shall kill Sasha as well. If thou does not kill her before then I shall kill Jack too!”

“Plz don’t make me kill her plz!” I begged.

“No!” she laughed crudely. “Kill her, or I shall kill her anyway!” Then she flew away cackling.

Sasha looked directley at me. “Try it, pussyboi. I dare you. I’ll kick your ass.”

I bust into tears. Jack came to contort me. Suddenly my eyes rolled up so they looked all dumb like they do when im about to pass out cuz i love shoving weird drives into my head. My echo eye has so many pop up ciruses. I had a vision were I saw some lighting flash and then Lilith coming to kill Jack while Jack bled out in the Valt of the Warrior.

“No!” I screamed sexily. Suddenly I locked up and stopped having the vision.

“Rhysie aure you alright?” asked Jack in an amused voice.

“Yeah yeah.” I said sadly as I got up.

“Everyfing’s all right Rhys.” said Sasha. “Liliths coming to kill ur dumb capitalist bf.”

“Its ok my man.” said Y Vette. “Maybe u should ask Gladstone about what the visions mean though.”

“Ok bich.” I said sadly and den we went.


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> rhys gets popup ads for male performance enhancing drugs directly into his ECHOvision send tweet

AN: banditz stup flaming da story ur jus jelous so fuk u ok go 2 hel!11 vaughn fagz 4 di help!

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Well I went to his office Gladstone about the visions.

“come in.” said Gladstone in Pandoran. he smelled at me with his cool goggles. He’s da coolest fucking inventor ever. he’s really young for a scientist. 2day he was wearing his work jumpsuit that he wore to hack things and build robots. We went inside the laboratory with pastors of Felicity. I was wearing sum yello nail polish with white hyperion logo on it

“What is it Rhys?” he asked. “Hey I love ur nail polish where’d u get it, Kohl’s mens section?”

“Yeah.” I answered. “Well I have to talk to you about some fings.”

“OK I’m having lotz of visions.” I said in a worried voice. “I’m so worried is Jack gong 2 die.”

Well he gave me an ocolus eye calibrator to lock in. I looked at it.

“What do you c?” he asked.

“I said I see a pop up ad for ENGORGE. I really should stop putting random drives in my skull. I need some Norton Antivirus on my brain wires”

Suddenly there was a knock at the door. I looked at it. It was Jack. He was looking really sexy wearing literally five thorusand layers

“Okay you can go now, see ya cunt.” said Glandstone.

“Bye bitch.” I said waving.

I went to Jack and Sasha was sitting next to him. We both followed Jack together and I was so exhibited.


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> theres sex in this one dont tell tumblr

AN: stop flaming ok if u dnot den il tel Sasha 2 bet u up!1111 n il tel al da people in IT 2 put vrtuz in ur computer!11111111111 FUK UU!1 baughn fangz for de help!1

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I was so excited. I fellowed Jack wandering if we where going 2 do it again. We went outside and then we wen onto Jack’s diamond pony.

“Rhys what the fuck did Gildstone say.” whispered Jack potting his giant yaoi hand on mine.

“He said she would tell me what the diagnostics meant torromow.” I grumbled in a sexy voice. He took out a heroin cabaret and spiked it, and gave it to me to spork. He started to fly the pony into a perfectly trimmed corporate hedge. We went to the top of it. Jack put on some Taylor swift.

“So there we are again in the middle of the night, dancing round the kitchen in the refridgerator light.” sang Tailorss sexy voice. We started tiling of each other’s cloves fevently. He took of my red underware that is also my tie and my red undershirt that is alsy my tie. I took of his Hyperion Yellow boxers. Then……………………… he put his trobbing you-know-what in my as sexily.

“OMFG Jack Jack!” I screamed having an orgism. We stated frenching passively. Suddenly………… I fell asleep. I started having a dream. In it a black guy was shooting two hyperion emploees.

“No! Please don’t fucking kill us!1” they pleaded but he just kept shooting them. He ran away in a runner from the catch a ride.

“No! Oh my fucking god!11” I shouted in a scared voice.

“Rhys what’s wrong?” Jack asked me as I woke up opening my two colored eyes.

I started to cry and tears of money went down my face. I told Jack to call sahsa. He did it with his hyperion echo. Butt the worst thing was who the ppl who were shot in the dream where………………………Yvette and Vasqez!111 (ok so mayb the vasqez part wasnt that bad that bitch can choke)


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> got a My Immortal Official Quality Line in here lads

AN: BANDITZZ STUP FLAMING SDA STRY OK!1 if u dnot lik da story den go fok urself u fokeng bandit! U SUK!111 oh y and I wuznt beng rasist ok!11

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A few mutates later sasha came 2 da hedge. She was carrying a elextrix maliwan smg.

“Hi Sasha.” I said flirtily as I started to sob. Jack hugged me sexily tryont to comfrot me. I started to cry tears of money and then told them what happened.

“Oh fuck Yeah!” Sasha shouted. “I hate those two!”

“Don’t b mean.” I said. “Now come on we have 2 tell Athena.”

We ran out of the hedge and in2 da hub of herism. Athene was sitting in her office.

“Wassup scary lady some of our employees are gonna get shot!” Jack said

Athena started to cockle. “Hahahaha! And How due u aspect me to know Rhys’s not brain damaged? He knocks his head All The time”

I glared at Athena.

“Look motherfucker.” Jack said angrily as Athana gasped (c is da toot of crakter). “U know very well that he is nt brain damaged. Now get some fucking ppl out there to look for Yvette and Wallethead- pornto!”

“Okay.” she said in a intimated voice. “Were are they?”

(A/N: athana almost killed me when she read that so you guys better like this part.)

I fought about it. Then all of a sudden….. “Sanctuary.” I said. I told her which street. She went and called some people and did some stuff. After a few mistunes she came back and said people were going out looking for them. After a while someone called her again. She said that they had been found. Jack Sasha and I all left to our rooms together. I went with Jack to wait in the medical area while Sasha went to plot the destruction of the borgeeiouse. We looked at each other’s heterochromatic, businesslike eyes. Then, we kissed. Suddenly Yvette and Assquez came in on stretchers……………………….and Gildsan was behind them!1


	27. CEOz wil never hurt u

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> just realized i implied in the last chapter that athena reads rhys's fanfiction and im not entirely sure what to make of that

AN: u no wut!111 I dnot giv a fok wut u banditz fink abot me!1111 so stup flaming da foking story bichez!1111 fangz 2 baughn 4 ur luv n sport n help i luv u man homie bro soz i kodnt update lol I wuz rly overworked from setting up atlas again!11111111111111111111

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Every1 in the room stated to cry happly- I had saved them. Jack, YVete, Asqez bond Sasha all came to hug me. The doctor started to give them medicine.

“Cum on Rhys.” said Gladstone. . “I have to tell you the fucking diagnosis.”

I locked at the assembled hyperion employess. They nodded.

I smelled happily and went into a dark room. I had changed Gladstone took out some wires. He started to look at a screen full of code. He said……………………… “According to my calculations, dark times are near. You see, you must go back in time.” He took out a Time machine cuz hyperion is very good at inventing deus ex machinas. “When Lilth was in Pandora before she became powerful she gut her hearth borken. Now do you fink she would still become The Firehawk if she was in love?” I shook my head. “U must go back in time and sedouce her. It is the only way. If she is still evil then you must kill her. You can come to my lab tomorrow and you can do it.”

“Okay.” I said sadly. I went outside again sadly.

“What fucking happened?” asked Jack and Sasha.

I was about to tell them butt every1 was there. They were celebrating Yvete and Asqez being fond. Everyone was proud of me butt I jut wonted 2 talk 2 Jack. They were cheesing my name and some reporters were there, trying to interview Jack. A banner was put up. Lotz of fucking banditz were there oviously tring 2 be b busziness wering the hyperion simbol on their handz- depite them not having akshelly any idea how businesses work. Even R0513 looked happy. A white and yellow cake had been brot out.

I put on my cloaking watch with Sasha and Jack and we sneaked outside 2gether.


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> someone save sasha from this hell

AN: I sed stop gflmaing da story it wuz a miskat wen Gildstan sed dat ok!11111111 GO 2 FOKENG HELL!1111 U SUK! fangz 2 fiona 4 da help!1! vaughn hav fun wif kiwi!1111111

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We went in2 a yello room. The wallz were yello with portraits of hyperion founders lik maxim turner, alma harren and lawrence de quidt all over them. A big brown conference table was in the middle. I was wearing my Situation Room tie which is my normal tie xept it has a LED display

I sat down one of da chairs dispersedly. So did jak and Sasha.

“Are you okay?” sasha asked potting her hand on mine. She was wearing teal nail polish. I was wearing yello nail polish with white h’s on it.

“Yah I guess.” I said sadly. Jak also pot his hand on mine sexily. I smiled sadly. “The problem is……………………….I have to seduce lilith. Ill have 2 go bak in time”

Jak started to cry sadly. Sasha kicked him and called him a bitchbaby.

“Itz okay Rhys.” he said finally. “But what about me? Ur not gonna brake up or anyfing, are you? Cuz then id hafta Kill Ur Ass”

“Of coarse not!” I gasped.

“Really?” he asked.

“Sure.” I said.

We frenched sexily. Sasha looked at us with unmasked disgust.

Then………… I took off Jack’s Many shirts, which took about five mintues, and seductvely took of his pants. He was hung lik a stallone. He had replaced the Jomothy tattoo that said Reese on it. (mispellin is so Romantic) Yellow guns were around it. I gasped. 

“Are you serious?” Sasha demanded. “Right in front of my salad?” She left the rom.

I took of my clothes den we were in 4 da rid of r lif.

We started freching as we climbed onto the conference table. He put his spock in my you-know-what and passively we did it.

“I love you reeese. Oh let me feel u I need 2 feel u.” he screamed as we got an orgasm. Suddenly………………………….

“WHAT THE FUCK R U DOING!”

It was………………………….Athenea and Fiona!111


	29. Chapter 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> deleted the whole weird torture scene because Didn't Like That, but one thing worth mentioning from that is that jack has a tattoo of the hyperion symbol on his dick

AN: sot das fok up!11 ur jus jelouz koz ur banditz so fok u!1111 Vawn u rok bro fangz 4 da help HYPERION ROX 420!111111111111

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“Oh my Hyperion!1” we screamed as we jamped off of da table. Athena and Fiona started to shoot at us angrily.

“CUM NOW!1!” Fiona yielded. We did guiltily. We left the room putting on our clothes. 

“Hey what the fuck!111” Jack shooted angrily. “How dare u interrupt r Special Time! The dor was loked!”

“Sasha let me in! Shut your mputh you inlosent fools!” yelled Fiona. She made us cum into a weird room with hedges all around it. In the center was a Big Laser and then jack was all like

“Oh thats right i forgot to tell u, i schedules the tim machine for now!”

“Hello,” said timothy

“Wrong kind of tim machine sorry for the typo,” said jack.


	30. Chapter 30

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> there was something here i didnt wanna write

AN: stop flaming da story ok u dnot no wutz even gona happen ok!1111 so FUL U!111 if u flam u wil be a bandit so al flamerz kan kiss muh ass!111 fangz 2 van u rok bich!111

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Omg i 4got to tell you guys!

 

Handsome jack did 9/11


	31. Chapter 31

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> is my fate to forever write rarepairs

AN: I sed shut da fok up u banditz!111 stop kalin rhys a gary su ok u dnot even no wutz gong 2 happen ok so fuk u!1111 fangz 2 muh bff vawn 4 di help!1111

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Gladstone took me to a dark room. Now I wuz going to go back in time to sedouce lilith. Moving posters of hyperin guns were all over, like our new sniper where we fixed the essential design flaw of it actually being usable. Bandit, Sasha, and Jack came too. Yvette gave me a yello bag from vasqez’s store.

“Whatz in da bag?” I asked gildstan.

“U will c.” he said. I opened thee bag. In it was a sexy business outfit. It was very proffestional and covered in hyperion stuff which is the sexiest of all and there was pinstripes on half of it. I put it on. My frendz helped me put on some colorful socks and skag skin boots fiona had chosen definitely not to make me look stupid. 

“You look fucking stupid.” sasha said.

“Thanks.” I said. “That’s the look i was going for.”

“Ok now you’re going to go back in tim.” said gildstone. “U will have to do it in a few sessionz.” he gave me a blak gun. I put it in my inventory because idk how to use guns. Im very bad at Shooting. Then she gave me a Convenient Plot Device Machine for Traveling Through Time. “After an hour use da macheen to go back here.” gildsten said. Then he and Y Vette put a moonshot cannon in front of me. Every1 went in front of it.

“Good luk!1” Everryone shooted. Fiona flipped me off. Then……….. I jumped sexily in2 da moonshot.

Suddenly I was in fornt of helios. In front of me wuz one of da sexiest bandit women I had ever seen. She had cool red hair and cool tattoos. She was wearing bandtic clothes with some guns. It was…………………….Lilith!!!!!1111


End file.
